I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize