it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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