wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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