she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize