I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
