when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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