I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
