did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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