I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
