I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
