she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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