I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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