yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
