mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize