turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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