yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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