You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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