living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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