me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize