im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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