no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
