I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
