They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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