My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
