My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
