I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
