I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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