I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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