Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
