I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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