I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
