I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
