There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I did not marry a roomba.
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