I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
