I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
