Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
