shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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