you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
