You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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