A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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