When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
