i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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