im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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