having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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