Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
