There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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