i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My ATM looks so different sober.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
