Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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