herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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