I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
