Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize