Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
