There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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