11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
