so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
